Friday, February 27, 2009

i don't even know what to call this

so i know that when we have an important decision to make we are supposed to pray about it. my understanding of this concept has always been that if you do this and then follow the promptings that you get, that you should benefit from that and things should go well. i know that i was supposed to leave and subsequently divorce josh, there is no doubt in my mind about that, but could someone please tell me why i don't feel any happier now than i did then. i was so lonely being married to a man who didn't love, cherish and respect me, who in fact went so far to do the exact opposite of those thing. it was so lonely being married to a man, who belittled me every day and when things too hard for him to handle he decided it would be ok to release his frustrations physically. I never thought i would feel that lonely again, but i find myself, nearly two years after i left him, wondering what's next. wondering why Heavenly Father would want me to feel lonely again. Maybe this is a test again, because if I'm honest with myself, as i'm writing this i realize if i make the Lord my "#1 man" i wont be lonely at all. i've been throwing a huge pity party for myself, saying how hard it is, but i have a job and a home and a car, i'm healthy, i have three beautiful, smart, funny girls. i live near my family, who by the way i love. i have the gospel, which i know is true. i've been complaining about how i don't have time for everything i need to do which means prayers and scriptures get ignored and again i have the realization that if i make those things a priority the Lord will bless me and help me be able to prioritize my time to be able to do all the things that i need to do.