Sunday, March 15, 2009

so ummm

well i wish i was one who had a cutesy blog with pictures and colors and silly anecdotes and what have you, but i don't have time for that. i think this has become more about something for me than anyone else. i am going through such a roller coaster of emotions and feelings lately. i am so busy and don't have the time to do all that i need and want to do. i feel like the girls are suffering because i don't have enough to give them. at the end of the day i find myself deciding which tasks can be pushed until tomorrow, choosing which one is the most pressing, our house is never as clean as it should be, our dinners are never as nice as they could be and our time together is never as fun and relaxing as it would be if i were able to stay at home and focus all my energy on keeping a home and raising my girls. sometimes i wonder why i got dealt this hand, why my girls got dealt this hand. i fall asleep nearly every night regretting the fact that i can spend such a limited amount of time with them, and even though i try to make the most out of the time i do have i continually fall short. i don't like to ask for help and it kills me that i can not do everything on my own. i have to rely on my mom to take kimber to school, and people in the ward to pick her up after school and keep her until i get off of work, i hate that the girls have to go to day care (although i am lucky to have someone who loves them so much), i hate that i can't fix everything for them and that as they grow up there will be things in their lives that they miss out on, there's a daddy daughter activity for church coming up and i am just hoping they don't catch on to it, i have begged their dad over and over to start having regular visitation with them and he wont do it, i hate that i can't "fix him" and make him be the dad they need, i just want him to be present and available for them, but he's not giving them what they need, i can only do and be so much, and i hate that... i guess i should try to focus on the good things that we have, it just get's hard when everyday is a challenge... what ideas do you have for keeping a sunny outlook?

1 comment:

Shauna- said...

I grew up without a dad, but I had a terrific uncle, grandpa, hometeacher and bishop. Utilize these people for your daughters. Daddy daughter dates can be great when they take the "guy" who really loves them. Let then know that it doesn't replace their dad, but their "other dads" would be honored to share a night with the princess of his choice. Hang in there mom!